I am not enough

Do you ever feel as though you don’t measure up? Do you struggle with discouragement, doubts, fears . . . maybe even a general sense of insecurity? I recently spoke at a women’s event and, near the end of my message, I asked the women to identify one lie they believed about themselves that tended to control them. I then asked them to write that lie on a note card and bring the card forward if they wanted to surrender that thought to God.

At first the auditorium was quiet except for the music playing in the background. Then, one by one, the women began to come forward. Soon it looked like a flood of women had been released from their places in the pews. Many of these women didn’t just bring their cards forward and return to their seats. Instead, they knelt. They prayed. And they wept.

Before I knew it, my own eyes were full as I dropped to my knees. “Lord, what burdens are these women carrying? What lies do they believe? What has driven them to tears? Heal them Lord. Deliver them from their brokenness. Set them free.”

As I read through the cards after the session was over, I was heartbroken. I have to believe God was heartbroken as well.

On card after card the phrase “I am not enough” appeared in ink on the page. Other women used different words, but the lie was the same.

“I am not good enough.”

“I am insignificant.”

“I am and will always be a chubby, unlovable person.”

“I feel like I need to be better. It’s hard being me. I am never enough.”

“I’m not worthy to be loved.”

“I’ll never be accepted.”

“I am not enough.”

“In my pride I feel I have to be perfect. I’m tired of trying to be perfect.”

“I’m never going to change. I’ll never be free.”

“I am not worthy.”

“I am a failure. God will never forgive my sin.”

“I am not good enough. I will never be good enough for God to love me.”

“Guilty.”

“I am not ok.”

I have been praying over those little yellow cards and the women they represent. As I pray I find myself asking questions: Who’s telling us we’re not good enough? Who’s convincing us we’re inadequate? Why can’t we rest in who we are in Christ? Why can’t we trust what God says about us and what God says about Himself?

I believe the answers to these questions vary from woman to woman. For some of us, our past condemns us. For others, events in our childhood convince us we’re unworthy. For many, the tapes in our head convict us over and over again. But regardless of what drives these thoughts, I have to ask one question: How do these thoughts measure up to the truth of God’s Word?

Does God see us as insignificant? Does God look at us and immediately see our inadequacies and insufficiencies? Can we exhaust His grace? Will He ever abandon us for a girl who has her act together?

I wish I could answer these questions with a resounding, “Absolutely not!” But, the truth of the matter is, I often fail to believe what God says about Himself and what God says about me. In fact, if I had been in the audience that day, here is what I would have written on that little yellow note card:

God is growing tired of me and I am exhausting His grace. I will never be good enough for God.

You see, deep down inside I fear I will never measure up to who or what God wants me to be. I am afraid I will never get my act together. I am certain that eventually God is going to grow tired of me.

After that conference I realized one thing:

I am tired of living this way!

I am tired of drowning in the lies of inadequacy, fear and insecurity. I think the women at that conference are tired of living this way. And above all else, I believe God is tired of us living this way. And, I believe He wants to set us free and help us rest securely in who we are in Him.

Colossians 2:10 says, “in Him you have been made complete.”

Clearly I don’t believe this and neither do many of the women I minister to. And, we have allowed the enemy to rob us of the rest, confidence and security we have in Christ. Now I am on a quest to understand what it means to be complete in Christ.

I don’t want someone to build my self-esteem. I don’t need someone to help me feel better about myself. I don’t want someone to convince me I’m good enough. I simply want to rest in the fact that, at the cross Jesus exchanged my inadequacies for His sufficiency. And because He is enough . . . I am enough.

Do you want to join me? Do you want to trade your insecurity for the security of knowing who you are in Christ?

If so, check back in on my blog. The writer in me will be journaling the process and the warrior in me will be going to battle. Once and for all I want to learn to destroy any thought raised up against the knowledge of God and I want to learn to take my thoughts captive. (2 Corinthians 10:3-6)

Until then, let’s rest in the truth of Colossians 2:8-10:

See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception,

according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world,

rather than according to Christ.

For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form,

and in Him you have been made complete. (Emphasis mine.)

Surrender

I wrestled with God yesterday. Although I hate to admit it, I do that a lot. I wish I didn’t. I’m usually exhausted when the match is over and God always wins. I don’t know why I challenge Him.

I think yesterday’s wrestling match was prompted by reading about Jacob going to the mat with God in Genesis chapter 32. As I read this portion of Scripture I noticed something I’d missed before . . . Jacob didn’t pick the fight . . . God did.

I can kind of understand why God might do that. Jacob had a history of scheming and manipulating to get his way. And, despite his dishonest tactics, Jacob always seemed to come out on top with what he wanted and more. He had the birthright and the blessing. He had more wives than he’d asked for . . . more sons than he could love . . . more sheep than he needed . . . and more broken relationships than one man could mend.

In Genesis 32 two such relationships had finally caught up with him. His father-in-law Laban was behind him. His brother Esau was before him. Both had grievances to bear. But, in typical Jacob fashion, he’d figured out a way to control his own destiny. By this time in the story Jacob had already settled accounts with Laban and had put the finishing touches on his plan to win back his brother. But, the night before the big showdown Jacob found himself alone with God. I don’t think this was part of Jacob’s plan.

Although Jacob had asked God to bless his rather elaborate efforts to control his own life, I don’t get the feeling Jacob had completed surrendered those plans and strategies to God. Jacob was still in control. Jacob was still calling the shots. Jacob was still master of his own destiny. That was until he spent the night in the dirt with the angel of God. In the end the angel won and Jacob limped away with a constant reminder of his need to live a surrendered life. I don’t think this was a lesson Jacob necessarily wanted to learn. But it was a lesson God desired to teach. You see, Jacob’s self-sufficiency had caused him to spend a good portion of his life outside the Promised Land. And, without a surrendered heart, God was reluctant to bless Jacob’s plan and bring him back.

The issue of surrender was at the heart of my wrestling with God yesterday. God called me to the mat in an effort to wrestle my plans out of my hands. He wasn’t asking me to give up my hopes, plans and dreams. He only wanted me to surrender them to Him.

As a result of Jacob’s struggle with God, Jacob got a name change. He was no longer to be known as Jacob, but instead, Israel. According to the commentary notes in my Bible, Israel means “God prevails.” In other words, every time Jacob heard his new name he was reminded of the fact that God wins . . . His will always prevails.

By the end of the day yesterday I was there. I was at that place called surrender. And as I was dusting myself off I could honestly say I had left my hopes, dreams and desires where they belong . . . in His hands. I am no longer in control. I am no longer calling the shots. I am no longer master of my own destiny. God is . . . because He always wins.

Many plans are in a man's heart, but the counsel of the LORD will stand. Proverbs 19:21

Seriously?

Twenty-five years is a long time to wait . . . to hope . . . to cling to a promise.

Twenty-five years is the amount of time that passed between Genesis chapter 12 when God gave a man named Abram a promise and Genesis chapter 21 when Abraham finally cradled that promise in his hands.

Here’s what I want to say to that: Who takes twenty-five years to fulfill a promise? Seriously. Twenty-five years? Was that really necessary?

Although these questions are coming from a woman who has earned the titled “The Queen of Impatience,” I think they’re valid.

God took twenty-five years to do what He could have done in nine months. Why?

Maybe there was more to the promise than meets the eye. Flipping back three pages (and twenty-five years) in my Bible, I read the promise again. Summed up, the promise reads: “I will make you great.”

Every other time I’ve read this passage I’ve focused on the tangible aspects of the promise . . . the nation . . . the land . . . the heir . . . the blessing . . . the greatness. Want to know what I saw this time? This time I saw a promise to make something of a man who was nothing. God promised to take a pagan idol worshipper and make him into a God follower. How did I miss that before?

In light of this aspect of the promise, the twenty-five year delay begins to make sense. It seems less cruel, even shorter somehow. After all, it takes a long time to truly make a man great.

Had God fulfilled the promise of a son right out of the gates, He would have dropped the promise right into the hands of a man who had a lot to learn . . . a lot to learn about patience . . . a lot to learn about God . . . a lot to learn about life . . . a lot to learn about death  . . . a lot to learn about true greatness.

It’s all starting to make sense now. Abraham was a different man in Genesis chapter 21. Duh! Although he was still flawed, he was twenty-five years further along in his journey with God. He was twenty-five years further along in his journey toward greatness.

This makes me consider my own “yet to be fulfilled promise.” You see, God has promised me greatness. Before you think me arrogant, read Romans 8:29-30:

For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

The promise is right there in black and white. God has promised greatness. He has promised to make something out of nothing. He has promised to take an idol worshipper and make her into a God follower . . . an image bearer . . . a woman of greatness.

Knowing the woman as well as I do, I figure that’s going to take some time . . . a long time . . . a time so long twenty-five years may begin to look short . . . seriously . . .